I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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