I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
