Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize