Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
