if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize