we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
