I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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