please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
