Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
