Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
