they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
