that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
