I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
