You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
