I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize