just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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