Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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