You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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