Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
