I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
