I cockslap morals
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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