Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
