I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
