I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
