The maid of honor just puked.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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