If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
