Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
