Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
