Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
