Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Someone stole a lamp last night.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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