I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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