i was born a porn star she said
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
