im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize