I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
