My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
