dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
