i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
