im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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