I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
