My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
