you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
