someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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