the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
