there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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