He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
