textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
They have beer where we have blood.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
