you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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