I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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