i love accidental penises.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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