I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
