After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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