I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
birth control should be required to get into college
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
