you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
