Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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