Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize