would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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