Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
