Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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