I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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