i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
