I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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